How am I doing?
My doing almost nothing got me here at this point. Yes, and I found out that money does not really control my action. It's the people who control me. First, my parents, my siblings, my exes and all the people that I'm grateful for controls me.
Nowadays, I'm completely not starting anything. Apparently, ownership of a dog didn't really change me. But the weight of carrying a responsibility of owning a dog is felt on a daily basis. It also is one of many things that controls my life. I have to think about her well-being constantly.
I'm unhappy about my room--extremely unhappy for being a pig sty. It's suffocating me, because I have to spend time here. I think I have an obligation to change this room, as well as making myself happier.
I think I'm wrong to assume that the ownership of things makes me happy, because it probably won't. It's how I use things to interact or get a person's reaction. For example, I own two SUVs. One is a luxury while the other one is not. I'm just paying for the luxury car, while I drive a so-so car to work every single day of the week.
Selling a car makes me feel guilty, because I think maybe my dad could use a car, because he really enjoys owning that car through me. Again, I'm doing things that are not too convenient for me, but because I think it would make my dad feel happier. Am I pathetic?
I'm glad that I don't have any children. But I'm not completely sure if I'm glad that I've never been married. Marrying someone for no reason other love would kick ass because it would give me a sense of euphoria. Maybe I get to feel that on a daily basis.
According to my co-workers who have divorced and are still married, they suggest otherwise. But I believe they are understating or forgot or not grateful for the love or euphoria that they once experienced. Perhaps it goes away, but losing someone that I love to me is equivalent to losing a reason to live.
Without love, I'm almost diving into a chaos. Seriously considering an affair with a three-some with my ex and his friend, who is a girl. But my ex still loves me, and I know that he has a strong desire to at least spend most of his life with me.
I am not interested in him any longer. The love for him or my curiousity, affection, and sexual desire for him, a chemistry, disappeared. That's why he is MY ex. But when I went to a strip club, a girl turned me on, and I seriously considered about starting a relationship with a girl.
Inintally I turned his idea with a scoff, saying that I'd consider this maybe a year later or so. Basically, this meant hell no. But after reflecting back on how unhappy that I've been feeling and thinking about the strip club hot turn on incident made me think about a sex with a girl.
I asked him about her. Where they met, how she looked, trying to find more about her. Since he didn't elaborate, I was a bit frustrated, thinking if you suggested it, you would have to make the offer sound really enticing that I can't refuse.
But of course, he didn't eleborate at all on her. All I know if her name. He didn't answer many questions. Well, the good thing is that he answered my question before I asked. He sugggested that all of us meet. I requested to him not to tell her anything about the plan, but to meet under a false pretnese.
If I don't like her, then I could just sit there, chat, drink, and say goodbye to her without hurting her feelings for rejecting her. Just a friendly get together. My ex is relentless in trying to make me interested in having sex with him. Because this was only suggested after I rejected him for offering himself for sex.
So, maybe I'm getting into a chaos of unethical or experiental, possibly fun encounter that has uncertain possibly negative ramifications. It's a possiblity that I might regret doing this. But I would like a connection with a girl. If this goes well, then this is what I call, the ultimate friend with benefits.
Being with her would not be considered cheating, according to the man that I currently love. He was dissappointed and angry at me for being emotionally and physically involved with another man besides him. I was not in love with this guy that I hooked up with. I was in love with my man throughout this affair.
Since she is a girl, it would be like him being with his friends, having fun laughing. But she and I will enjoy sex as well and will love each other. To me, my mind set like this one would be more detrimental than the mind set that I had for this guy that I had no intention of falling in love--he was a fling to me. I couldn't see my future with him.
But a girlfriend with benefits that I can have sex would be a dream come true for me. I think I would enjoy he company tremendously. Am I having a brokeback moment now? Well, this would be something that would make me extremely happy now.
Anyway, I should just clean my room, but I really would like to put tear through the closet door and expand the size of this room. I think that would feel really exhilarating to me. Breaking things and repairing them to create a new object would definitely generate a sense of achievement for me.
So, my relationship with my boyfriend is definitely 'broke'. It's stagnant and not too exciting, rather depressing actually, but I am donig what I can even though I'm afraid that it's beyond my control. I'm working on it, and if it get repaired, I am definitely going to feel a sense of euphoria.
Nowadays, I'm completely not starting anything. Apparently, ownership of a dog didn't really change me. But the weight of carrying a responsibility of owning a dog is felt on a daily basis. It also is one of many things that controls my life. I have to think about her well-being constantly.
I'm unhappy about my room--extremely unhappy for being a pig sty. It's suffocating me, because I have to spend time here. I think I have an obligation to change this room, as well as making myself happier.
I think I'm wrong to assume that the ownership of things makes me happy, because it probably won't. It's how I use things to interact or get a person's reaction. For example, I own two SUVs. One is a luxury while the other one is not. I'm just paying for the luxury car, while I drive a so-so car to work every single day of the week.
Selling a car makes me feel guilty, because I think maybe my dad could use a car, because he really enjoys owning that car through me. Again, I'm doing things that are not too convenient for me, but because I think it would make my dad feel happier. Am I pathetic?
I'm glad that I don't have any children. But I'm not completely sure if I'm glad that I've never been married. Marrying someone for no reason other love would kick ass because it would give me a sense of euphoria. Maybe I get to feel that on a daily basis.
According to my co-workers who have divorced and are still married, they suggest otherwise. But I believe they are understating or forgot or not grateful for the love or euphoria that they once experienced. Perhaps it goes away, but losing someone that I love to me is equivalent to losing a reason to live.
Without love, I'm almost diving into a chaos. Seriously considering an affair with a three-some with my ex and his friend, who is a girl. But my ex still loves me, and I know that he has a strong desire to at least spend most of his life with me.
I am not interested in him any longer. The love for him or my curiousity, affection, and sexual desire for him, a chemistry, disappeared. That's why he is MY ex. But when I went to a strip club, a girl turned me on, and I seriously considered about starting a relationship with a girl.
Inintally I turned his idea with a scoff, saying that I'd consider this maybe a year later or so. Basically, this meant hell no. But after reflecting back on how unhappy that I've been feeling and thinking about the strip club hot turn on incident made me think about a sex with a girl.
I asked him about her. Where they met, how she looked, trying to find more about her. Since he didn't elaborate, I was a bit frustrated, thinking if you suggested it, you would have to make the offer sound really enticing that I can't refuse.
But of course, he didn't eleborate at all on her. All I know if her name. He didn't answer many questions. Well, the good thing is that he answered my question before I asked. He sugggested that all of us meet. I requested to him not to tell her anything about the plan, but to meet under a false pretnese.
If I don't like her, then I could just sit there, chat, drink, and say goodbye to her without hurting her feelings for rejecting her. Just a friendly get together. My ex is relentless in trying to make me interested in having sex with him. Because this was only suggested after I rejected him for offering himself for sex.
So, maybe I'm getting into a chaos of unethical or experiental, possibly fun encounter that has uncertain possibly negative ramifications. It's a possiblity that I might regret doing this. But I would like a connection with a girl. If this goes well, then this is what I call, the ultimate friend with benefits.
Being with her would not be considered cheating, according to the man that I currently love. He was dissappointed and angry at me for being emotionally and physically involved with another man besides him. I was not in love with this guy that I hooked up with. I was in love with my man throughout this affair.
Since she is a girl, it would be like him being with his friends, having fun laughing. But she and I will enjoy sex as well and will love each other. To me, my mind set like this one would be more detrimental than the mind set that I had for this guy that I had no intention of falling in love--he was a fling to me. I couldn't see my future with him.
But a girlfriend with benefits that I can have sex would be a dream come true for me. I think I would enjoy he company tremendously. Am I having a brokeback moment now? Well, this would be something that would make me extremely happy now.
Anyway, I should just clean my room, but I really would like to put tear through the closet door and expand the size of this room. I think that would feel really exhilarating to me. Breaking things and repairing them to create a new object would definitely generate a sense of achievement for me.
So, my relationship with my boyfriend is definitely 'broke'. It's stagnant and not too exciting, rather depressing actually, but I am donig what I can even though I'm afraid that it's beyond my control. I'm working on it, and if it get repaired, I am definitely going to feel a sense of euphoria.
